Tag Archives: Twilight

Twilight sucks

I wrote this a couple of years ago in response to the Twilight craze that had swept through my office (and my team).  Grown women–my age and older, some with children–were fawning over this stupid story, and I did not understand why.  The shit read like a bad fanfic.  The characters were poorly developed, the story was ridiculous, the particulars went well beyond the realm of believability, and Bella? Mary Sue to the extreme.  The new girl in town, plain and drab, who faints at the sight of blood, and every boy in school lusts over?  Give me a fucking break.  At least with Harry Potter, there was a good plot to make up for all the weak bits.  Not so with Twilight.  It is, in my opinion, utter crap.  The following is a parody of the unfinished Edward series. Ladies and gentlemen, friends and neighbors, I give you–

Forbidden Sun: Edward explains to Emmett what he likes about Bella

“What is it about her that you can’t get over?  Yeah, she’s human, but so are all the rest of them, and you’re not beating your head in trying to not tear out their throats.  Seriously, dude.  Can’t you just, like, find another one? Seven decade itch and all; I’m sure one would be just as good as another.”

“You don’t understand, Emmett.  They all smell good, but not as good as her.  It’s not just a passing thirst.  I don’t even think I can explain it.”

“Try.”

When I was alive, I had loved lamp chops.  My family had not shared my fascination with this food; my sister, in fact, thought it sad and barbaric.  Something about eating a cute animal; she thought it sickening . So my mother only made this dish rarely, and always at my request.  What I remember most about that particular obsession was the smell: sure, they tasted lovely, but the smell was what had really stuck with me.

“So . . . you want to feed off of Bella . . . because she smells like a lamp chop?”

Emmett, as usual, did not understand.

“No, you doof.  She doesn’t smell like a lamb chop.  But that’s what I think of when I see her. Smell her,” I amended. “The best food in the world, the most tempting.  Tender.  Juicy.  Bella.”

Emmett though about this for a moment.  A new thing for him; I gave him some time.  “You know, you could just take off a finger.  Humans are resilient; she’ll survive it.”

He was my brother, and I loved him, but he could be so dumb sometimes.

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